It’s So Easy

It’s so easy to judge someone. I do it all the time. I make snap judgements and while sometimes I feel smugly justifies in my gut reaction, more often than not I am humbled by the fact that I jumped too quick and wrong in my thoughts. It’s part of being human. As I get older I learn to move a little slower in my thought process. I often still jump to conclusions and depending on who you are in my life, I may jump to a negative conclusion or give you the benefit of the doubt, regardless of which reaction is warranted.

Since my divorce and subsequent moving on with my life, I have found that I feel judged by some people. I feel this way because slowly but surely they have pushed me away from them. There is one person in particular that seems to just be so uncomfortable with my existence, that she really tries to act as if I don’t exist, she does the same to my ex husband. We were at one point fairly good friends. Not anymore. I’m ok with this. I have found out who my friends are, who my true friends are. The most recent interaction with this person, was somewhat surprising, but I won’t lie, I baited her to see what would happen. And when what I thought would happen happened, I was pissed, and then I worked myself through it. I have no need to have her in my life if she can’t accept what my life is. I’m sorry if my imperfect life is scary, or offensive to you. But what was running through my mind during this, was I have no right to be angry or upset at her for judging me, because I do the same to other people. What I need to remember is that it’s a lot of wasted energy, worrying about what people think, worrying about people who no longer deserve to be worried about. It’s time to let go of what was my village, and embrace my new village. It’s time to stop judging and worrying and just row my own boat.

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Where is the Medical Tent?

So, yeah, I could have much bigger health problems. I know that, and I am more than grateful that I don’t. But, I need a place to whine, so I don’t make my friends or loved ones crazy. So, here we go, I don’t feel good today. I am tired in my head, and I just got up 20 minutes ago. I could go back to bed and sleep for hours. I have done this a lot the past few weeks. Blowing off the gym for sleep, strategically planning nap times. I honest thought it was the holiday craziness, an overnight hospital stay for the younger boy and just bad eating.

I had my yearly blood work done, and since I have improved my eating imagine my surprise when my Dr called to tell me that my thyroid is off and as a result, my cholesterol is high. Hindsight is 20/20, and I have over twenty years of hindsight to work with. What I am figuring out is that is need to take control of what I can of my situation. I began doing this by switching to my current dr. I felt let down by my previous dr and an endocrinologist who both missed the fact that I was super anemic.
I switched to this dr and began taking control of my diet and health and when everything was looking really good for me, my marriage blew up.
So two years later, I am taking control back. I began with a nutritionist and have been working to find the right foods for me. I felt really good at first, but the fatigue, night sweats, brain fog, and a bunch of other symptoms were still creeping around. I kind of forget that I have thyroid issues sometimes, so when my dr called, everything made sense. But I think one thing is missing, and that is something my nutritionist is focusing on, and that is adrenal fatigue. I spent months in flight or fight, and that takes a toll on the body and mind. So I am taking control. I am going to ask for a consultation with my primary, and explain that I need a whole body picture. Let’s not just focus on the thyroid, but let’s keep in mind that I have a history of anemia, and super high stress. Let’s keep looking at everything.

My life is only stressful because I let it be. I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing man in my life. That bring brings three wonderfully independent children. I am very stressed trying to make sure that all of the kids are happy, and that I am happy and that my guy is happy, not necessarily in that order.

So I have a few ducks to get in a row. And fortunately or unfortunately, I will be doing a lot of thinking out loud here.

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10 things I’ve learned while out of work after surgery

I have been home for the past 5 weeks after surgery to repair a little hernia.  I have 1 more week until I go back to work.  Here are a few things I have learned about my life.

1.  Damn…I sure can procrastinate

2.  Doesn’t matter what I have going on that day, I still hate getting out of bed.

3.  I rely very heavily on my kids schedules to create my own routine…and even then, my routine is a hot mess.

4.  I’m pretty good at finding things to do around the house and then putting it off until tomorrow (and the next day).

5.  I really like my job, I am looking forward to getting back.

6.  I have gotten pretty good at being by myself.

7.  After 6:00 I’m pretty much useless…It takes everything in my power to get out of the house after that time.

8.  I do not like relying on people to help…I don’t mind asking for help, but I don’t like needing it…there’s a difference.

9.  I really could find ways to use my time a little better

10.  You can never spend enough time with a BFF

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Finding a Solid Footing

I’ve been looking back at some of my old blog posts and I am amazed at the different places my head was at. I can look back and actually remember the way I felt writing some of them. I have a few drafts in this new blog site. Some have a few sentences written, some are just titles. I used to write so much, and then I can see where I was off kilter. I stopped writing. Not that I’m a “writer” per se, but I enjoyed it. I think I knew when things were dismantling, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. And when everything fell apart, I had to deal with the fact that my life, in fact, was not what I thought it was. It was all an illusion, and I still struggle with that. How could I have not known that in one house there were two very different ideas of what the marriage was? I am actually ok with it now. There was a point at which I wondered who would ever want me, if the person I trusted with everything, had been wanting out for so long, how could I trust that someone would actually want me? It’s huge blow to the ego and self confidence. And to bring it around to the opening sentence, I felt I had no right to write. When my life had been lies for so long, what could I possibly contribute. Jeez, what a mess I was. I mean, honestly, I am always a hot mess, I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t. But my brain is working a little better these days. Here’s what I’ve learned. Divorce does awful things to a person, no matter which side of the divorce you are on, it does awful things. For me, it made me question exactly who I was, I thought for a bit I would never trust anyone again, but that’s just not who I am. I thought I was happy, but I wasn’t. I can see that now. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. What I need to remember is that I really did the blog to entertain myself. It’s not about pleasing anyone else. It’s about getting what is swimming in my head out. I have a very interesting journal now. I don’t feel as bad looking at the old blog, but I’m going to keep my head right here, in the present and look optimistically to the future. I will put my thoughts down as they come, good or bad. I will write for me, and for my sanity, and if others like it, that’s cool. I’m not a role model or life coach, I’m just me.

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It’s a Wonderful Life

Ok, so no, not everything is perfect. Is it ever?  Life is not all rainbows and butterflies.  Not every moment of every day is what I thought it was going to be, but life is good.  I never expected perfection out of anything, I never wanted perfection.  I wanted my life to have a supply of happy that exceeds the supply of crap. And I do.  I have friends that I adore.  Whether I talk to them everyday or not, I still know they are my friends.  I know that if I need help, they are there, and I try to make sure that they know that I would do the same. 

I have a new relationship, a new immediate family.  This doesn’t mean that I have forgotten my boys’ family.  I’m not even sure how I should label them.  I still love them, and I miss them, but I know this is part of the situation.  Things shift and change.  I would love to be able to part of their family stuff, but they’re not mine anymore.  Ick, but ok.  It’s ok.  It’s ok for everyone to move on. 

I know that there are friends that worry that what I have came too fast.  I stumbled onto something fantastic.  And even though it may happened on a timeline others may find short, I know that it is just right.  The puzzle pieces fell into place, and neither of us were interested in playing games.  Too old, too much at risk with kids involved.  Are you in or are you out?  Let’s see where this goes in a go big or go home fashion.  Anyone else, and I know it would have crashed and burned.  Kids would not have been introduced, no forward movement would have happened.  But our situations allowed us to support each other and bond with each other in a way that never could have happened with anyone else at that point in time.  It is a motley, yet adorable crew that we have.  I am grateful for every happy moment, and every irritating moment.  It means I am part of something that is bigger than just me.  I am learning a lot about myself, and I am working on becoming a better person and accepting of my flaws, and of other peoples flaws.  

So, yes, on this day after my 42nd birthday, I can say that I am blessed, by everything I have, by everything that has happened to me, good or bad, because it has made me who I am.  No, not everything is perfect, but I wouldn’t want it to be.  There’s nothing silly in perfect, there’s nothing fun in perfect.  Would I change anything in my life?  Yes, but not what you may think.  My only true regrets fall into the car buying category.   I am really foolish when it comes to car buying.  Other than that,  without the choices that I have made, I would not have what I have.  Without the choices of other people, I would not have what I have.  

It’s a wonderful life.

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Third strike you’re out

I had attempted to post three times this morning.  Each one was a variation of the same thought, and each one disappeared.  Kind of funny.  So, what?  Is wordpress trying to tell me not to whine?  Is it telling me to grow up, that everyone has issues, why are mine any more important than anyone else’s?  Well, mine really aren’t more important to anyone else, but they are important to me.  They are the reason I cried all the way to my first appointment today.  What it boils down to, is that change is hard.  Whether or not you have initiated the change, change is hard. So today was another change in my life, and I survived, and my kids survived and that’s fine.

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A Freshstart

All sorts of new things are afoot.  I am now a divorced mom of two boys.  I don’t know what to call myself.  Single, yes, but I was married.  Divorced, yuck.  Me, I guess.  I’m still me.  I have been down as far as I could go.  I have felt like I should be committed to the local mental health care facility.  I have made a few questionable decisions.  I have felt manic and out of control.  I now feel almost normal.  I have never been “normal”.  But I am functioning.  It’s not an easy transition.  Every change creates anxiety.  When my boys leave, I am anxious, when they come home, I am anxious.  I found yesterday that I had a choice.  I could curl up on the couch and think about the fact that I had a lot to do and I had to do it alone, or I could get my butt up and just get stuff done.  I did it.  I got stuff done.  I am so proud of what I accomplished.  I am not always alone now.  I have found a wonderful man who has made a huge impact on me.  I have amazing friends who are always there for me when I need them. I look at pictures of them and the first thought in my head is, “my girls”.    I have lost quite a bit, but I have gained even more.

Here is what I have learned.  I don’t necessarily mind being alone.  I have gone to the movies alone, and to a restaurant alone, and I survived.  I definitely prefer for it to be my choice.  When I am alone because I have to be, I feel anxious.  I have to use positive self talk a lot to get through it.  Here’s another thing.  I don’t like having to watch every penny.  I am pretending that this is my first year out of college.  Ramen noodle time.  I try to make sure there is money to do fun things with the boys.  When I ask them what fun thing would you like to do this summer and they answer two different things and the dollar sign flash in my head, it breaks my heart.  But I know it won’t always be like this.  I am taking steps to ensure better financial footing, we will be ok.

So why a new blog?  Well, every time I pull up the old blog, I want to vomit, so it’s time for a fresh start.  What will I write about? The usual.  I will not bash my ex.  I do not plan to rehash the bad times, though you never know.  I may problem solve, I may brag.  In essence, I have taken control and moved the big yellow tent myself.

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